What I Regret the Most About My Divorce and What I Don't
At the time; I thought getting divorced and losing everything I worked so hard to build was a death sentence. Spoiler Alert…it wasn’t. Don’t get me wrong. 4 years later, and I’m still recovering from the fallout. That is how much divorce set me back but I’m still here. Working hard every day to rebuild my life.
Looking back at the whole experience. There are things I certainly would have done differently. Then again, there are things I am grateful for and wouldn’t change at all. Here are just some of the things that stand out in my mind. For better or for worse.
The Things I Regret
No kid should have to experience their parents separating. We were lucky in a sense that the divorce came when both of my daughters were pretty much grown up. One was already in college and the other had just one more year of high school.
My son was only 9 at the time. Seeing him struggle to comprehend why things had to change, was tough. To make matters worse; he already had developmental and learning issues for some time. I tell myself; he was already used to me not being there because I worked a lot. To try to make myself feel better.
Coming to the realization that I wasn’t going to be a part of his daily life was difficult. The fact that I was going to have to accept a lesser role in my son’s life was unthinkable. Kids need their dads, especially boys. Now his fate was going to depend on how great a job his mom does on raising him. That was extremely frustrating and hard to come to terms with.
If I could have avoided any pain or trauma we caused him or my daughters, I would have. I have no doubt there will be repercussions in one form or another down the road. All we can do is cross that bridge when we get there. Unfortunately, their mom and I don’t communicate as well as we should for their sake.
As much as I love my kids; I shouldn’t have tried to work things out with their mom. I should have cut my losses and moved on. One thing is for sure though. No one can say I didn’t try my best to hold the family together. Putting time, energy and resources into salvaging the relationship was a bad decision. In the end all it did was put me further in debt and delayed the healing and recovery process.
Another thing that turned out to be a horrible idea was trying to handle the divorce myself. I thought I would save money by completing my divorce through an on-line, “Do It Yourself Divorce Company”. Big Mistake. In my opinion these companies are nothing more than scams that prey on people already down on their luck.
The whole process seemed a little shady. It felt like their customer support purposely kept things vague and confusing just to draw out my monthly subscription longer. After getting my divorce denied by the judge twice; I put my ego aside and got a real divorce lawyer. It turned out to be cheaper and a lot quicker.
My lawyer told me that the judge did me a favor by denying my divorce. Apparently if it was granted as it stood, I would have left myself unprotected in a few important key areas. This would have made it more advantageous to my ex-wife. I should have never attempted it. You almost had to be a lawyer to fill out the forms correctly. Hopefully I will never have to get divorced again, but if I do, I won’t waste my time and money.
The Things I Don’t Regret
What seemed like the worst thing that happened to me in my life, turned out to be a blessing in disguise. At the time, I thought the life I had built was my destiny. As dysfunctional as my relationship was, I was resigned to my fate and was prepared to see it through to the end. Little did I know, life had other plans for me.
It makes me cringe to think where I would be right now, if things had not changed. I would still be stuck in the same old mode of habits. The mindless grind of work and distractions. Settling for less, not questioning anything or looking for a better way to do things. Content with just getting by. Somehow, I fell asleep at the wheel. I had wasted so much valuable time ignorant of the fact that there is so much more to being alive.
Most people don’t realize how easy it is to lose yourself when you’re living your life for other people. In my opinion, men are the more sacrificial sex by nature. Which makes us more prone to self-abandonment or self-neglect. We tend to get a sense of validation and self-worth from meeting other people’s needs before thinking about ourselves.
Being single again forced me to confront myself. Focus on my own wants and needs. Surviving my aloneness has proved to me what I can overcome. It turns out, pain can be a great teacher. After doing a lot of Inner-Work and Self-Healing, I have learned to validate myself and not seek it through other people. The whole experience challenged me to evolve, change my perspective and outlook on life. I don’t regret finding my value and self-worth.
One of the undeniable consequences of the divorce was the peace it inevitably brought. Now that I have it, I wouldn’t trade my peace for anything in the world. Fighting to protect it has become my number one priority. I recognize energy that is not good for me and won’t hesitate to cut anything off that doesn’t serve me.
Getting divorced gave me a new lease on life. There was a hefty price to pay but in some ways it was worth it. Getting to spend my free time as I see fit is a gift. It is something I will never take for granted.
Life will always be a struggle. The question is, does your struggle make you happy. Being able to make my own decisions without considering the thoughts and feelings of someone else is very liberating. I am so grateful for the second chance. For the opportunity to apply the hard lessons I’ve learned. To make the most with the time I have left.
-Sean Cusp
