Things I Gave Up That I Am Reclaiming Again

In truth; I’ve always had a natural tendency to seek validation by pleasing others. There is probably some real deep seated unresolved childhood issues at the root of the approval seeking behavior. But that’s a topic for another day.

I might have had a lot of faults and failures as a dad. Putting the needs of my family first was not one of them. I had the attitude I’m sure a lot of parents have. If the kids are taken care of, then I’m good. That is my excuse as to how I ended up abandoning and neglecting myself entirely for so long. Feeling valued for being a good fixer and problem solver was all I needed to feel content. Over the years the constant stress of having to make ends meet, took its toll though.

It was so bad that when everything fell apart, I had lost my identity completely! As strange as it sounds, I had been a family man for so long I had forgotten what is was like to be my own person.  I was so busy trying to meet the needs of my family thinking about myself just wasn’t a priority. I might be an extreme case, but can you imagine?

For years I cut my own hair, just to save money, so grooming was minimal. My wardrobe was non existent because there was no one to impress (I wore work uniforms all week). There were three sets of usable footwear in my closet. Work boots, a pair of sneakers I had for years and some flip flops.

I had one memorable vacation in 20 years when the family went to Disney World.  No real friends or social media presence (The ex-wife kept me connected and updated). Video games and alcohol were my only hobbies. It is where I went to unwind and relieve stress. I found it to be the most cost-effective method of escapism.

We did have a roof over our heads and food on the table. Somehow, we had managed to stay relatively debt free too. So, it seemed worth it but in the end all that sacrifice was in vain. Ironically, I went into debt trying to save the relationship. I also ended up signing the house over to the ex-wife as part of the divorce. 

Being single again forced me to spend a lot of time with the stranger in the mirror. If I was going to adapt and survive, I was going to have to get back in touch with myself. These are the areas of my life I felt I neglected for so long, to my detriment.

• Physical Fitness- This one is on me. I was a decent athlete in High School. I don’t know how I let myself slide for so long. For a long time, I was overweight, unhealthy, stressed out, and anxiety ridden. It took some time and effort, but I haven’t felt this good in years. I have a gym membership and try to go at least two to three times a week. I’m also part of a boxing club I show up for that class once or twice a week. I also do some mountain biking riding. Even if its just a walk around the neighborhood I never want to not be active again for the rest of my life.

• Health and Well-Being- When the kids got sick, they went to the doctor. If they had a toothache, they went to the dentist. I only went to see a doctor when I felt like I was absolutely dying. I understand a lot of my health problems came with age but I’m sure the stress of getting divorced didn’t help. Just to save some time and money, I simply chose to ignore a lot of my health issues. These days I take my health very seriously. It’s an investment and I’m in it for the long haul. Feels so amazing to finally get most of my health problems under control.

• Travel- To be fair I did a lot of traveling for work but it’s not quite the same. As I’ve stated before, I had one memorable vacation in 20 years. I guess the main excuse was we simply couldn’t afford it. Time is something you can’t take back though and somehow, I feel poorer for it. There is a formula I came across. It’s for relationships but why can’t you have a relationship with yourself? It states you should plan a weekend date somewhere close every two weeks. Plan a little getaway somewhere a little further every two months. Then finally plan a vacation trip every two years. I am definitely making an effort to plan more trips in the future.

• Grooming/Sense of Style- I was that guy. Having to go to a party or event with nothing to wear. It just wasn’t that important to me. Making sure the bills got paid on time was. The problem was, I was single again. I was going to be judged on my appearance one way or another, and I had no sense of style. It was time for the wardrobe to be upgraded. It wasn’t cheap and it wasn’t easy. There were a lot of trials and errors. It still is a work in progress. My grooming habits have improved significantly because it shows you care. I no longer cut my own hair. I leave it to the professionals. 

• Friends/Groups- I will admit I struggle with this one. It would be nice to make some genuine connections that’s not work or family. People that understand and get you. Where you can just be yourself. Strength in numbers, build your frame. When you are going through some tough times, it’s not a good idea to isolate. We are social animals and need that interaction. Maybe one day I will find my community or build one myself. Hey, you never know.

• Hobbies and Interests- are a good way to connect with people. I have a friend who found his people through a shared love of Formula One Racing. I never thought I’d join a boxing club. Now I’m having a blast learning a new skill while getting a good workout in. As a bonus it also renewed my interest in keeping up with the sport of boxing itself. Being genuinely passionate about something gives you a sense of purpose.

     In conclusion, I’m not sure how common it is to struggle with a loss of identity after a marriage or tough breakup. I only know what I’ve experienced and the things I am focusing on to overcome my situation. Sometimes it does pay to be a little more selfish and think about yourself first. After all, you can’t take care of other people if you can’t take care of yourself, right?   – Sean Cusp