The Downside of Dating Post Divorce

What if you were challenged to start your life over again from scratch? After investing half your life building the one you have. “Full Reset…, Default Settings.” These are the rules:    

You’ll begin alone and with basically nothing, except a few personal belongings. Only three-quarters of your total monthly income will be available to you every month to survive on, until your kids turn eighteen (If you have them). Additionally, you will be set back financially, in debt, tens of thousands of dollars from the get-go. Furthermore, you will be forced to give up half of all your personal and financial assets. Lastly, your house and vehicle will be taken from you, for good measure.

Not exactly set up for success, right? But this is the fate a lot of men quietly suffer, (me included). Cases may vary by individual, but you get the picture. Divorce can be brutal and unforgiving. It can leave you physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially destitute.

That is why I believe dating or jumping into another relationship right away is a terrible idea. I totally get that being alone sucks; but who would take you seriously? What would you really have to offer? I can’t speak for all men. If you have the “Three Sixes”; (Six Feet Tall, Six Figure Income, and a Six Pack Abdominals) consider yourself fortunate. The rest of us must work a little harder at it.

Even so, post-divorce is a very stressful and chaotic time. For some it is basically survival mode. You need to be smart, think strategically, and make good decisions. The last thing you need are distractions. Especially ones that will be a drain on your limited resources.

When going through my separation and eventual divorce, my identity as husband and family man had been stripped from me. This was the first time, in a long time, that I was truly alone. There were questions that desperately needed answers.

I turned inward and spent some time trying to make sense of everything. There was a lot of Soul Searching. I got acquainted with the concepts of Self-Healing and Doing Inner Work.

 It was slow going at first. There was a lot of pain and grieving. Eventually I started to make some breakthroughs. It is a very sobering experience to realize that so much time has been wasted living in ignorance. It felt as though I had been asleep at the wheel for years and just woke up.

My resolve to become a better version of myself changed me fundamentally forever. Making me nearly unrecognizable from the person just a year ago. Armed with my newfound truths and enlightenments, I was ready to jump back into the dating game. Or so I thought…

The fact of the matter was, being back in the dating market scared me. I simply never imagined or prepared myself to be single again. To say I was out of touch with the dating scene would be an understatement. There were a bunch of rookie mistakes about to be made.

There are a lot of people who use the term, “Narcissist” loosely. Not realizing that it is an actual, clinically recognized, personality disorder. Myself included but I was about to receive an education.

The first women I connected with on a dating app; ended up being a two-year relationship with a Covert Narcissist. Of course, not being familiar with the play book; I didn’t realize it at the time. I guess that’s why they say, “Hindsight is Twenty-Twenty”.

Anyone familiar with Narcissism understands how abusive these types of relationships can be. There is a method to madness, and the rabbit hole can go deep. It usually happens in three stages:

The first is “The Idealization Stage” or commonly called, “The Love Bombing Stage”. The second is what’s known as “The Devaluation Stage”. The third is called “The Discard Stage”. If you’re not aware you can get caught up quickly.

She was a beautiful single mother. At the time I believed she was everything I was looking for. Not realizing it was probably because I was being love bombed hard; and was likely being mirrored. So, she could learn from all my weaknesses and vulnerabilities. It’s a technique used to create a trauma bond in the idealization stage.

There were red flags early on. For example, she always kept things on the surface and was vague. Never really going deep into conversations but I chose to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Her relationship with the father of her children was never really made clear to me either. She talked about him a lot which made me uncomfortable. It wasn’t until later that I learned that triangulation was a thing that I realized; she was a master at it.

Things started to get progressively worst after the first year when I decided to move in with her. Two things stood out in my mind. The first was since it was her house the dynamics of the relationship were not in my favor. The second thing was since her kids weren’t my children, maintaining a sense of respect became an issue. Since I couldn’t really discipline them.

Eventually life became a living hell. There was a lot of, “Bread Crumbing”; (long periods of withholding intimacy followed by brief period of bliss). Gas lighting and disrespect were happening with frequent occurrence. I guess you could say I was officially in the devaluation stage.

I didn’t know it at the time, but the end was near. Her demeanor changed and she started creating arguments to step out more often. She started using phrases and words she never normally uses. She started to dress differently. The writing was on the wall. The discard was coming.

A narcissistic relationship is transactional in nature. The narcissist doesn’t care about you. Only what they can get from you. It’s called narcissistic supply. None of it was real. The person you met at the beginning doesn’t exist. It’s just a mask. The person you meet at the end of the relationship is the real person.

But there was one last trump card to be played. If it’s one thing my divorce has taught me; Is that I do have the inner strength to survive. My cut off game was on point. When I walked out that door there was no looking back.

I don’t regret meeting her. There was so much that needed to be learned from the experience. A woman is like a mirror. She showed me the parts of me that were broken, (probably in childhood) that still needed to be healed. For me it was the giving and the need to fix things to feel validated; Continually pouring into the bottomless cup that was her.

I’ve been on a handful of dates since then, but I’ve slowly come to realize; A man needs to chase his purpose and not women. The woman should be a positive addition to his life. Not the center of it. The focus should be on rebuilding his frame that was lost in the divorce at all costs. Even if it means going about it alone.

-Sean Cusp